On today's episode, Ryan Haddon, life coach, hypnotherapist and spiritual mentor will share how everything on the screen of your life started with a thought. She will discuss the importance of your relationship with yourself and the difference between being alone and lonely. For many of us, this period of time has allowed us to reflect on our true professional purpose. Ryan will share her coaching process and her message of finding your center.
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On The Madeline & Becca Podcast, we chat with leading women from a variety of industries about their career journeys and how they developed professional self-confidence.
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Episode #25: The power of your subconscious with Ryan Haddon
Ryan Haddon [00:00:00] My whole message is about finding your center and what does that mean and when we live from center, this place within us where we are in absolute acceptance of all of our feelings. We know that we are our own solution. We can meet our own needs. We're not looking externally for that fix anymore, be it whatever it is, we all have different ways that we qualify that. It doesn't have to be to the endth degree of addiction. It can be, you know, how we manage our children or how we try to control them, or how we try to, thinking they're extension of us, whatever that is, or whatever we use to not be with ourselves, wherever we give away our power externally to other things. That would that's what I would qualify as off your center, in a way. And we'll have like a dip out and it's time to lean back in. So, it's really having this beautiful dialog with self, really a conscious, you know, kind, compassionate inner voice that most of us have to pay attention to curate.
Madeline and Becca [00:01:01] Welcome to The Madeline and Becca podcast. The mission of our podcast is simple, to inspire professional self-confidence in women everywhere. I'm Madeline. And I'm Becca. On our podcast, you will hear stories from real world influencers, women who have experienced tremendous success in their careers by building self-confidence. Thanks for joining us.
Becca [00:01:40] Ryan Haddon had a unique childhood growing up in Toronto, New York and Paris. After the death of a close family member, she started on a spiritual path and moved to India, where she studied meditation and finished high school. Ryan graduated from Boston University with a degree in journalism and landed her first job with the MacNeil Lehrer News Hour. She worked as a reporter/producer with Extra, the Roseanne Show and Court TV. While immersed in Hollywood and the red carpet life, Ryan got caught up in people, places and things and lost her path. After hitting rock bottom, she rebuilt her life by changing her negative thinking, behaviors and patterns and ultimately entered a path of healing. This journey led her to discovering her passion for working with other women. Ryan now works as a life coach, hypnotherapist and spiritual mentor. She is also the in-house life coach for Kourtney Kardashian's poosh.com and shares her expertise on all things relationships, self-care, growth and accessing your higher self. On today's episode, Ryan will share how everything on the screen of your life started with a thought. She will discuss the importance of your relationship with yourself and the difference between being alone and lonely. For many of us, this period of time has allowed us to reflect on our true professional purpose. Ryan will share her coaching process and her message of finding your center. Here's Madeline.
Madeline [00:03:03] So we read your article in Poosh from Hollywood to holding tank in twenty-two months, when we read that article, I think in particular with what's going on right now in the world and we've just, there are a lot of women who are experiencing really challenging times. And I think your openness and candor in terms of talking about it. And then, of course, your road to now ultimately recovering, healing and helping other women and working with other women, you know, can really stand as an example to other people. So, could you just talk a little bit about that story and then ultimately your path?
Ryan Haddon [00:03:41] Yeah, so basically, when I, like I said, I had touched on some of those ways of managing life and coping and I think most of the time, most of my life, I have been trying to manage things. I even use my spirituality in my meditation to manage big feelings. And it's kind of like a spiritual bypass is what I was doing. And I had all this stuff under the surface that I really wasn't willing to unpack. And so, it had popped up shortly in my twenties and that mid-twenties part. And then I got married and I feel like I had it under control. And then, you know, but there was always, there was either shopping or spending and debting. It was food. It was like there's always something externally or the relationship. So, I was always seeking outside of myself for solutions. But I didn't know that because it's kind of what the world propagates. So, I'd like follow something to the end and I'd be like, wow, this is going to deliver me what I'm looking for. When I get this bank account, when I have this, you know, closet. When I'm married to this person, when I'm in a relationship with this, all these different parts and pieces and really, really, truly what I didn't understand was that I was looking for a relationship with myself and I was looking for a like a deep, meaningful, connected. And I didn't know how to do that. I didn't know what that meant. I didn't have value on that. I was still in that externally focused matrix past of trying to seek outside. So, that really came to a head in my marriage because I had literally landed into everything, we're all aspiring to: the fancy husband and that lifestyle it afforded and position and finance, just all those externals. Then I had two beautiful children, so I thought maybe motherhood will deliver that for me. And not long after my second child was born, I started to think, you know what? I had stopped my drinking and those sorts of things during that marriage. That was like a big part of that. And my recovery was a center piece of how I actually received all those blessings. But I thought, you know what, I can have a glass of wine with dinner. Not a big deal. I have all these good things. I have this stability that I was always looking for somewhere. You know, I mentioned I moved around a lot in my childhood, so that was pretty destabilizing then. There was a lot of a lot of other elements. And I hadn't unpacked the grief of that parent passing that I mentioned. There was a lot of other things that I had picked up and hadn't really processed fully. So, when I picked up that glass of wine with dinner, it really quickly escalated into an addiction, a full blown ugly addiction. And any mother listening knows if you have children and you're in your addiction and you have small kids, it's like there's no shame quite like that. And you can't get back to them no matter how much you try, because it's not a question of willpower. It's really thinking, and then you start thinking I can manage this. It's not so bad and then it gets worse, the bottom gets worse, the bottom gets worse. And my marriage was disintegrating. And I really was like, well, there's nothing to hold on to. You know, I have, I've arrived at everything. I was thirty-two years old. And, you know, that landed me, the holding tank that you mentioned. Films are glamorous, holding tanks, nothing glamorous. I was in like a Las Vegas jail with derelicts and prostitutes, and I fit right in. I felt like I was like, those were my people at that point because I had become all about nightlife. It had become all about, you know, people, places and things and just clinging to the smoke and mirrors. And it really was a bottom emotional, spiritual and otherwise. And because I had spent all that time in India, I was like I knew I could have these exalted, transcendent states, but I couldn't carry those into my daily life. And that was unbelievably frustrating. I kept thinking, what's wrong with me? You know, I've had access to so much and I'm still feel so broken. And so not long after that, like after that night in that spot in Vegas, it was a reckoning. And I found myself in a treatment center after that, and I was kind of fighting against it in the beginning, it wasn't fancy and the fancy one on the hill was full. And so, they sent me to the pedestrian one. And at that point, my ego was so unchecked that I was thinking, you know, don't you know who I am? And all those things that we have, those mechanisms, those defense mechanisms, because we really don't want to sink into what is, you know, this is what's next girl, like you've run out of options. And then that voice, that commandeering voice that we all have within us, for whatever reason, stepped to the fore. And I call it a moment of grace. And it's, I decided in that moment I'm going to just avail myself to what's in front of me. And I didn't know what was going to happen to my kids. I didn't know what was going to happen to my marriage. But I knew that I had to find my way through and rebuild something that was going to really hold me whatever was going to come next. And again, not knowing. And every time my mind would obsess about my job, what people think, and because it was kind of a public releasing of that shameful, everyone, the gig was up, you know what I mean? That I, this had happened. And so, I had to let go of everything and just said, I'm willing to unpack. There's that willingness. And I hadn't had that previously. I'd been running and running and seeking and seeking. And so, I really stood still. And when you do that, I feel like beautiful mentors and people along the way show up to point what's next. And that was, like I said, that moment of opening to something else. And I had an incredible woman running my program and she connected me with another woman who had had many years of sobriety. And we started working steps together, which is a blueprint for arresting addiction and moving into a different way of living without that as an option. And I knew I didn't want to just survive. You know, not drinking, I wanted to thrive and have a new way of, I understood it was like almost like a lobotomy had to take place, you know, I had to really let go of all the patterning, all my ideas. And my best thinking had got me there. I really got that to my core. And I was really teachable for the first time in a long time. And there's always that moment. So, yeah. And I just did what was direct, try this, do this, see this person, do this step, go to this meeting, do the thing. And I'm not even a joiner, I'm not even a follower. I always like to do those things, but then I do it my own way, you know, like the program, like even when I was at McNeil, they're it's like I'll do it, but I'm like doing my own thing. Do you know what I mean, like it's like it's very interesting how that was that little rebellion inside me. And it's really most likely the ego and it's the subconscious and like I'm a hypnotherapist. So, I really understand how all those patterning’s take root in that deepest part of us. And so anyway, that was running point and, in that moment, we all, all parts of myself agreed we're screwed, we need to, we need to really just follow what's with the next right thing is and you don't have the solution. And I mean, I do have the solution, but I didn't have access to it. So that's what I was taught, I was taught to go through this program. I want to say, I mean, I'm being kind of elusive about program, things like that, because there's a code in that world where we don't speak about that. And I don't know how much it serves, but I want to honor it to what I've been given in recovery. It's been well, November will be 17 years.
Madeline [00:10:56] Congratulations, that's tremendous.
Ryan Haddon [00:10:59] Thanks, it is. It's tremendous to me because it's not like, well, 17 years of not having a drink or drugs. That is amazing. But it's 17 years truly, truly of being committed to doing things differently and really growing along spiritual lines and having that be a priority. And that's how I gauge like that's what I'm celebrating. I'm yes, I'm celebrating that there's a 17 year divide between that insanity and where I am now. But, yeah, I'm just, I'm really proud and excited about all the people that have led the way along the way. And that's sort of what brought me to wanting to be one of those people for someone else, you know.
Madeline [00:11:36] Can you speak that to that a little bit further in terms of the power of the female community and your process of recovery and how they supported you both in being sober? And then I know also, you know, becoming a single mother as well.
Ryan Haddon [00:11:49] Yeah, I want to say I've always stuck with the women. I always feel safe with women. I always feel that the women have each other. So even at that time, I would be going to meetings that were women centric and I felt like women had the solution. And again, you know, my marriage fell apart after a couple of years of my sobriety and I say fell apart, that doesn't, I don't actually feel that that's true. It actually just changed shape because when you have children, it's a different, you're still relating, you're still connecting and you're still working together in whatever capacity you can. Sometimes it's a thin thread which and sometimes it's more head to head, you know heads put together, co-creating your kid’s environment and their well-being. And so, we had our, we've had our versions of that together, but the women really showed me that it was possible, so not only did I have to learn to re-parent myself, but I had to learn to be the head of the household for them. I had to learn to live within my means. I had to learn to stop managing food, stop doing, trying to morph my body into a certain shape so I could be, you know, look the way I needed to... So, I have armor against that. Like all these ideas I had to unpack and working with the mentors that I did and doing, I worked with Hypnotherapist too, when I started dating, that was like so mind blowingly, powerful because I don't there were so many patterns that kept coming up for me when I was single, and I'd see that I keep pulling in emotionally unavailable. Bless them. I love, I still have so much affection for all of them, you know, it's like it's never over. Some part of you still has a connection to all those people along the way. Again, it just changes shape. But they were great, great teachers to me, and I really got to hold up the mirror to where I was still in lack and I had more healing to do. So, it was just a really fertile time of learning to be a full time mom, learning to you know one-on-one, at that time, my ex was traveling a lot, so it was really just us three in this container together and then trying to get work and jobs. And my social status had shifted and my finances, everything had shifted. I had to give back all the shiny things and that felt absolutely right. I didn't rail against it. I was in absolute radical acceptance that this was I just kept saying, I want the life I'm supposed to have. I don't want to be aspiring to something over there. I just want to take what is here. And that felt. Felt deeply, just it gave me a feeling of feeling anchored. There's times to manifest, times to dream, time to do all that at that point was just, I had so much on my plate, and I was really enjoying, it was the first time I felt presence in how I was moving through the world and really noticing how I wanted to jump out of myself at different things when big feelings would roll in. And now I had a new place to unpack those things that felt healthy and strong and good and other women who were in that container with me. So, I really, as I look back at the time, I have so much affection for myself and for my tenacity. And even for my kids, so compassionate. Because we were growing up together in that sense, you know, I was up leveling myself and, in many ways, and they were at the tender age of like two and four, you know. So, yeah, it's really cool. And we're really close today. So, I attribute a lot of that feeling of connectivity to that time.
Madeline [00:15:22] So tell us, how did all of these shifts of healing and radical acceptance and your path to thriving lead you to your new career as a life coach and hypnotherapist, spiritual mentor, all the things that you do today?
Ryan Haddon [00:15:37] Well, what was interesting is that when I was not very long sober, part of that program is one of the steps is being of service to others. And so, once you've gone through this program, you give back that to someone else who's coming into the program. So, it's this really beautiful golden chain that you come up through it and then you give back to someone else coming through it. It's very beautiful. It's very special. And I found that that's, even though I was working and trying to still, I still had aspirations in the world and what I thought I wanted to do. But I found that when I was working with those women, I felt the most connected to myself. I felt the happiest. I felt like I had, I could connect with spirit. I kind of fell in love with them a little bit, like I saw myself in them and falling in love, watching them struggling. And I don't know, it just, the perfect woman to work with that always show up for me. That's something I was working on that she was working on. And then I could give her steps to make sure I was doing the same work. And it was like, OK, we're going to do prayer, meditation, we're going to do this, we're going to write inventories, we're going to, all the things that we do to move through as things pop up and heal. And so, I started noticing that after I don't know. What is it? Fourteen years of doing it, maybe thirteen. I was like, this is my, this is a purpose. This is where my passion is. And then I thought from there, why don't I open this up to women outside of the recovery community? And what would that look like and what modality would I want to use to do that? And do I want to go into the past and look through their childhood? Do I want to go that far or do I? Then coaching kind of came onto the plane. I knew I wanted to do hypnotherapy because I loved it and I had benefited so much from it. And I understand the power of the subconscious mind. And it really worked for me to give up smoking in recovery. Just I read a book about smoking and the subconscious, and I literally put down a cigarette the very next day. And so, I realized how potent the subconscious is and how it really runs the show. So, I knew I was going to dip back into that and get that to be able to bring to my clients. And then the mentoring is just what I have been doing. And then meditation is just that's part of that program. And its part of I really do feel how we can anchor into ourselves. I mean, my whole message is about finding your center and what does that mean. And when we live from center, this place within us where we are in absolute acceptance of all of our feelings, we know that we are our own solution. We can meet our own needs. We're not looking externally for that fix anymore, be it whatever it is, we all have different ways that we qualify that. It doesn't have to be to the endth degree of addiction. It can be, you know, how we manage our children or how we try to control them, or how we try to they're thinking they're an extension of us, whatever that is, or whatever we use to not be with ourselves, wherever we give away our power externally to other things. That what I would qualify as off your center in a way. And we all have dip out and it's time to lean back in. So, it's really having this beautiful dialogue with self, really a conscious, you know, kind, compassionate inner voice that most of us have to pay attention to curate because I think we're really hard on ourselves and we're really self-punishing, we're perfectionists, we're people pleasers. Like there's all these things and we always want to be saved and rescued. I mean, we've been brought up with those fairy tales. So, it's a hard thing for women to let go of this idea that I want to be in partnership with someone, but I'm going to bring my whole self to this and I'm going to ask you to do the same. And let's see what comes. Let's keep growing together in this way. But I'm going to, you might have to carry me, I might have to lean into you at times. But I really don't want you to carry me. You know, that's my job. That's my work. And so, everything other than that I find for me personally and often for my clients is a leak. You know, it's a way where we just let out the air in our, in who we are and our balloon of our selfness.
Madeline [00:19:38] So, for some of our listeners, who obviously 2020 has been a very challenging year for a lot of people on a lot of levels. So, for women who are experiencing sort of that rock bottom that you hit and then looking towards that process as a reinvention, as sort of the baseline of reinvention for their whatever comes next in their lives. Do you have some steps that you would recommend? I mean, obviously, you've been through quite a few steps to arrive at this place of healing and thriving. What would you recommend to them in terms of suggestions for after they sort of hit this rock bottom?
Ryan Haddon [00:20:18] I think remembering that everything that's on the screen of your life is a thought, and it started with a thought. It started with some idea. So, knowing that we're supremely co-creative and that it's not happening to you, it's happening, like there's all these different ideas. But I think sometimes our ability to manifest what's next is clouded. And I think getting someone in your space that you trust that can help you. Like I said, I have had mentors. I would not be here if not for the women that showed up for me at those times. And it could have been a man, but it's always a woman for me. And again, I had those relationships. But I mean, the people that I would really unpack things with and say, how are you hearing this? Can you reflect back that that to me? What are you hearing me say? How can I look at this in a different way that would empower me to be brave enough to look at my thinking? We're looking at my processing that it's OK to say I can't do this alone. I say that's the first thing, is just noticing, you know, I keep doing this. This is a pattern. This is a bottom. Or I had a bottom six months ago and I thought that was the end of it and I'm still going down. So just to say, you know what it's not working, that's the first step is acknowledging it and then moving into acceptance that this is how it is. Instead of fighting against it, I'm just going to move into that radical acceptance. It is. It is what it is, now how could then I move out of it? I'm taking absolute responsibility for myself in this, that I got myself here. And then I might need some support to get out and ultimately make sure you find someone who empowers you to learn how to think and learn how to love yourself and learn how to be kind and patient and tolerant. Anyone else who says, I have your answers and I can help you figure this out because I know what's best for you run because that's not true. And obviously for hypnosis, I find a great Hypnotherapist. It's just a great modality. And so many people have ideas about it. And I understand why, because of stage shows and things like that. But if you find someone who really can help unpack these old ideas that are really running point under your, under the surface of your life, you know, it runs ninety-five percent of your life. Yeah, it's kind of staggering. So, you find someone who can help you disassemble that and re-upload a new way of loving yourself, of being in partnership with someone else, of manifesting abundance, of finding your purpose, like that is a great tool, it's a great modality and find someone you feel safe to do that with.
Madeline [00:22:53] So to just, to pick up on what you were saying about the subconscious mind for women who are thinking about what they're you know, they have these preconceived notions about what their professional life should look like. And maybe that's past framework from your parent’s expectations or societal expectations, whatever that is, and who are experiencing sort of fear of and self-limitation and staying in that that bubble. Can you speak a little bit to how the subconscious mind can help them or is perhaps limiting them to get out of that and that pattern of behavior?
Ryan Haddon [00:23:33] I think that, you know, look at where I always think that you can also work with your own subconscious in that if you have habitual beliefs that keep popping up in your day, make a log, spend a few days and just notice, what are your phrases? What are you telling yourself? It's never going to happen for me. I'm not smart enough to get that job, you know, things like that. Watch those, because those are definitely just the subconscious just dumping, you know, these very powerful self-actualizing beliefs and those that are on that habitual loop. It's a really great flag to be able to notice. Oh, wow. I just said that. And you can notice how you're different than your thoughts. We have something like sixty thousand thoughts a day. So, when you start it can be a little bit mentally tiring, but you start to notice. Wow, I just thought that because the thought creates a feeling, creates a mood and again, it comes most times comes from the subconscious. So, starting there and then for someone who might be renegotiating, I guess you said this tricky time in the world and what's happening. I mean, I think we're saying it's tricky here, but I really think it's you know, I know this is going to sound woo woo, but this is who I am. I apologize, but we're, I think we're in an ascension period. I think the whole planet is upgrading itself. And so, when that happens, when you look at personally in our own history, there's a rock bottom. There's a lot of old ideas, a lot of things coming out. Patterns really show they're, it's like our shadow self comes out and we're giving it permission to do that. And I feel like that's what's happening on the collective. And usually when that happens in our own lives, something amazing comes from that, out of it. We reinvent ourselves. We see ourselves in a new way. We dump the old and we become something new. And I think that's collectively what's happening on the planet, too. So, I said the tricky time. But I want to also put that into tricky in that it's not familiar, tricky in that old idea, old dreams, old missions, old purposes have to be renegotiated for some of us. And just to not move in, we tie ourselves in our identity: I am this. I have to be doing that. This is what it looks like. And I don't know who I am. It's not OK if I don't know. And I think giving yourself that permission to saying this is a period of incubation, I'm going to give myself this period. It's OK not to know. Let me drill down into what I've always wanted. Let me go back. Does this career, does this life path still fit with my values? Is this who I want to be as I express myself because I'm ultimately co-creative, I am manifesting my experience in the world. What do I want to manifest next? And that's so empowering because then you, then you're letting go of all these imposed ideas or someone else's superimposed path for you, and you're really moving into being empowered and in that creative flow.
Madeline [00:26:25] I think that's incredible advice. And a lot of our listeners are having that exact period of time where they are thinking, OK, what is my true professional purpose? And so, in terms of taking maybe just that, the first step in discovering that as people are sort of shedding their old skin and moving into something new. What does that first step look like? What would you recommend?
Ryan Haddon [00:26:54] I'd, if you're in that position, for the most part, you're probably, your wheels are probably spinning. You're probably, there's a lot of mental noise going on, I'm sure. So, then I think just to move into a meditation practice would be important to really drop past the thoughts so you can click into that part of you that is, we all have a higher self. We have a part of us that is guiding and directing us and that is all knowing and that is wise beyond the ego, beyond the personality, beyond all of that. So, meditation really helps us drop into that place of knowing. So, I would say start a meditation practice and then dump your head stuff out, write out all the fears. Oh, my God, I'm losing everything. Oh, my God. I don't know what's next. Get it all out of your head like in those sixty-thousand thoughts a day. Put it on paper. Get it out and then sit with, go past the thoughts by doing the meditation practice and build out this supremely creative part of you that knows and drill down into her, what do I, how do I want to express myself next and then keep asking yourself these questions. And also, you can self soothe. This is so important. None of us have, a lot of us don't have value on what that is because again, we've sought self-soothing externally, but learning how to self soothe, which is, it's going to be OK, I'm built for this. I know how to do this. Nothing nothing's out of place. Everything's falling into place. And it's just now I get to be curious. So, get that curiosity about how do I want to express myself next and how exciting and keep reframing that for yourself, because that's, that expectation, that feeling of expectation and hope is what draws that experience to you. If you know, if you sit and you're like, oh, my God, it's not happening. You're on that, cogs and those wheels keep turning and turning. That is the experience that you keep drawing to you. And you will sit in that for a very long time. But if you can try to work and just edge in this, these new ways of soothing yourself when the mental loops start to go and it starts to get very busy in there, if you can find what those are for you and everyone, a lot of people say, I can't meditate and don't how to...nobody's good at it. There is no good meditator. Just sit with your timer for five minutes, you know, just watch your breath coming in. Coming out. That's it. That's all you have to do. If you want to try other visualizations and other great things, go for it. But you are a meditator if you begin and you start and that's that and you're going to have thoughts. The brain's off gassing. That's what it does. It does it. It's just it's sixty-thousand thoughts a day. But the trick is to not pay attention to them, to begin to notice them. Oh, there's a thought. Come back to the breath, you know, or the visualization or whatever it is that you've decided to do in that sacred moment for yourself to just be with you.
Madeline [00:29:44] Can you speak a little bit, I know you talked about the importance of your relationship with yourself, and I think there's a lot of women out there who are feeling just like, lonely that the idea of lonely versus actually being alone and being appreciative of actually having a relationship with yourself and time to yourself and valuing that time to yourself. And I think a lot of women, it's that could be a bit of a challenge. Can you speak to that a little bit?
Ryan Haddon [00:30:17] Yeah, I love that differentiation between alone and lonely. Lonely somehow implies something that's imposed on you, you know, whereas alone feels like I'm choosing to spend time on my own. Whereas lonely feels like I wasn't chosen somehow or something's missing, it's a feeling of lack you know. And not to say that you can be alone and have moments of feeling lonely or like I wish I could share this with someone, you know. But I think that's this idea again, that there's something missing that there's a person out there that and if they were with you, if they were with you, they would be if they were meant to be there, they would be. So how can I enjoy my time? What do I like to do? How do I like to spend time with myself? What value am I putting on my time when I'm alone? You know, what would I want to be doing with someone else? Well, don't wait for them. Go do it. You know, make a list and sometimes, you know, I remember when I was single and I'd have, you know my kids were away that weekend and I had a whole weekend to myself, I'd be almost slightly terrified, like how am I going to fill a whole weekend, oh my God. So, I would map out. You know, I'm going to go to the beach. I'm going to do some writing. I'm going to do; I'm going to go to a meeting. I'm going to do a meditation group. I'm like, I would just have, and I would try to also remember just it's not about keeping busy. It's about how do I want to spend time with myself. Growing up for me at that point was my value was on accessing my spirituality and really making it practical and workable. But even those alone moments just puttering around the house and I picked up knitting or just these fantasies I had about what I should be doing alone, I had to walk through those too. You know this is what a lonely woman is doing, or alone woman is doing on her own, she's knitting. And then I move through that I'm like yeah, I hate knitting. So, it's like we have these ideas and like, walk through those ideas, write them all down. I mean, I have clients do that. Write down all the things you've always wanted to do and let's sort of get through them and start checking those off, you know, and create space for just being and not just doing, you know. So, I made sure to do that then. And I'll tell you, when I did end up coupling up, it was really tough because I enjoyed so much. I became like in my relationship, almost like a loner because I enjoy my time that I had then that I created over those years by myself so much. And I really understood there wasn't missing anything that my guy was coming. It just wasn't the right time. So, when you get that there's nothing missing, it doesn't mean you won't feel lonely at times. Or you might want to share oh this great thing happened. I want to share it with you. You know or I want to take a walk on the beach with someone else. But I keep remembering like I am not alone. And that's also my spiritual belief. I would call in unseen forces and I'd feel the presence of that. Or I'd say this is an illusion. This is not real. You know, this idea of that I'm alone. So, I mean, everyone's going to have their way that they wrestle with it. But I think switching up that paradigm is important that I have everything I need within myself to meet my own needs and to be joyful and to have fun. And so, how am I holding myself back and thinking that a partner is going to deliver that or that I need companionship or those things. That served me well. But again, I only did that for a few years. And I don't know if I would have the humility to say...I don't know if I had to do that for ten years, how I would feel. But I do think the pandemic is, that's not to say I don't have a slew of girlfriends that I love and certainly that I curated in Los Angeles when I lived at that time for my survival. So, I would have my time alone and then I would schedule times with them. But I was trying to keep it really balanced.
Madeline [00:34:01] And on the other end of the spectrum, in terms of dealing with drama, I think a lot of people you throw around that term as having high drama in their lives, whether that's in the workplace, dealing with colleagues or, you know, coworkers who have whatever personality traits they're bringing into the environment. Do you have some tips in terms of deescalating the drama and channeling it? I guess I would say positively in terms of a positive outcome or at least dealing with it and not letting it shake your ability to do what you need to do within your professional life.
Ryan Haddon [00:34:47] My great teacher that I've been working with for the last year, I'm always in courses and learning from mentors, and I hope I always have that same excitement around that. But I have been working with his teacher. His name's Greg, and he says that we confuse drama with significance. And I love that. I think it's so profound and true that we think just because it's big and it's in front of us, it requires our attention. And it doesn't. You know, it doesn't necessarily, like that's a frequency and it can create that feeling of, wow, I'm, I've got so much going on while I'm really alive. I'm really a livewire for, you know, these big events that happen. And, you know, I remember at the time of housewives and stuff that my daughter was watching some of that at a girlfriend's house or whatever that wouldn't be happening in my home. But she was watching that...Nothing wrong with that, but I didn't want her to be exposed to that. And then I'd see her start acting that way. And I'd be like, this isn't how people relate. You know, this isn't we're not this everything's not high drama. It's not like, they're not slapping each other and yelling and, "hey, no, no," it doesn't have to feel and look that way. And so that's a frequency of relating that when you start pulling yourself out of it and saying, you know what, this is not my circus, not my monkeys. I value peace, quiet serenity. That is a set point within myself and it's non-negotiable. I'm not getting into the ring with you around this, even if everything in you wants to, because you're changing a patterning of yourself if you're constantly vibing to that and you're constantly pulling that into your space. Somewhere, there's a part of you that is in collusion, it's in agreement with it. This is what living should look and feel like. So, again, it's just noticing it starts in that, like, wow, I really do this a lot, wow I really surround myself with dramatic people. Wow, I really like to get engaged at that level, but it takes a toll on us physically, mentally and just stress wise. You know, it's like constantly jumping into the ring with this very heightened emotion. And wouldn't it be nice to just have a balance, to just be able to choose what we allow in? Like, you know what? No, not doing that, I'm going to do this instead. And that's when this great Adash. Another thing from the program is I'd rather be happy than right. That's a great one, so it's so good when the drama comes and you feel like, wow, I got to prove my point or I'm going to like get into it with this person, or they need to know how I feel. What if we just said, you know what, I'd rather be happy or I'd rather be well than right and get into this in this way with you. And it's going to take some practice. It's going to take a bit of diligence, but you will shift that. And all of a sudden when drama comes back and you're like, it's just not even a thing, it's like so uninteresting. And like, I am not being taken off course because I worked so hard for this equanimity within myself. And that's my new value that I placed on the frequency in which I operate in the world.
Madeline [00:37:39] I love that, I'd rather be happy than right. So true, both of personal relationships and also in professional relationships. So, in terms of, you know, for women who are listening today in terms of helping them chart out goals, do you have some recommendations when they're like, OK, I'm ready to do this? You know, I'm in the right headspace and the right energy and I feel ready to set some goals and move ahead. Can you speak to the process of goal setting and what you would recommend?
Ryan Haddon [00:38:18] Well, again, I'd say write them down, write down the action steps around them, write about what fears, what could get in the way, what's the resistance, what habitually has gotten in the way of you moving through because we have to become a different person. I was just on an Instagram live with Laura Day. You know, the best-selling author about intuition and we were just talking about that you become a different person. The person who wants to manifest something has to become a different person. Once you even have a desire, it starts working on you and you become, you have to be the different person to actually step into that new experience. So, it's knowing that I have this goal, I have this desire. I'm going to have to undergo some change. So, when those roadblocks come up, when that resistance, internal resistance and external friction comes up and it will, that nothing's wrong. It's just what's meant to be happening, because I want to be the person who can own that new purpose. I want to be the woman who can step into that with ease and grace. But I'm going to have to do some heavy lifting before that happens. So, write that out. What are the things in the past get in the way? What are the fears? Throw them down on paper. Take a look, just call them out. So, they're not in the back of your mind. They're not your subconscious running point down there. Because the subconscious has a vested interest in keeping you safe. That's its mission. That's its role. And so, it's just keeps regurgitating all old ideas and old things to keep you in this place of safety and security. So, any unknowns, it's gonna be like, nope, don't do that. Nope, not good for us. We don't like that. It's no fun, you know. So, you're going to have to negotiate the subconscious when you're moving through your goals and that nothing's wrong when those inner walls come up. But notice them. It's like, oh, there you are, friend. Hello. Pull up a chair. Let's talk what you got to say. Oh, you're afraid. OK, I know. I know. I hear you. It's like that's what, that's what I'm talking about when we're talking about that self-soothing, when we're talking about self-talk, it's not like affirmations, like I'm amazing. You're so good, you're so powerful. You can get anything done, like that's not. That's just, blah, blah, like that doesn't really actually take effect, it's in the moments when the fear comes up, it's in the moments when you feel that inner resistance or you feel like you're recoiling from a new experience. You know, so I think put your goals on paper and then write all those things out and then refer back to it and then make a list of all the things you'd need to do to bring that to fruition. And just every day, every week, keep going back to it. That's what a good coach would be saying, where are you at with this. What's in the way? Why didn't you follow through on that? What happened? What was the fear? Let's look at it. Let's pull it out, OK? And so that's when you're in a partnership, in a coaching or a therapist or wherever that is. That's helpful. But you don't need that. You don't actually. I mean, that's probably terrible for me to say. But you can do it on your own with diligence and with love and, you know, self-compassion, you can move through that on your own, I think.
Madeline [00:41:17] And can you speak to courage? I know there's different types of courage but having the courage to not only recognize the fear and see it when it, you know, when that wall comes up, but also moving through it and exercising the courage muscle.
Ryan Haddon [00:41:37] Yeah, there's lots of different courage, right, there's intellectual courage, there's, you know, physical courage and there's moral courage, there's spiritual courage, there's just so many ways, and some of us are better developed than others. But I think, like we said, it's knowing that you're going to have to dig deep. If you're, the bigger your dream, the more that you want to shift to where you are. You're going to have to move through some discomfort and you want to really lean into courage that you might not know you already have, but you can think back on times. Maybe you write about that and you think back on times you contemplate when you've done that in the past and how it's worked for you and knowing that that's you've been able to transmute something fearful or something that felt limited and there was a lack and been able to lean into courage and how it served you.
Madeline [00:42:31] So as we're heading towards the end of this interview, I want to touch on a topic that we ask all of our guests, which is how to develop professional self-confidence. I think we as women supporting each other, our colleagues and friends and mentors. It's always an ongoing process, right, using self-confidence and whatever the challenge it is that you might be facing. Do you have any advice for our listeners about how to develop professional self-confidence?
Ryan Haddon [00:43:07] I think, I'm always going to go to, and this might not be resonant with every listener, but I think that who you are in the workplace is what you're curating outside of the workplace. So really knowing that this is just...It's not who you are. It's not your identity. It's an expression of you. So, who are you? You know, those are big questions. But where are you at with your creativity? How are you? How is your work life balance? What's your input? If you're just work that's going to show up and you're not going to be as creative. So, find that balance. If you have a very mental job, make sure you're doing physical things and spiritual things. And that's what you're going to bring to the table in your professional space. And it will give you more confidence. You will be a better worker. You will be able to think outside the box. You will be able to see a bird's eye view of a problem that someone else might not be able to see because all your parts are in check, all your parts are getting fed. And so, I think that's a big thing, is take an inventory of where you are and how you, what you're putting, what's your input? So, if I have a very, you know a CEO who comes through my coaching space, I'll be like, let's get into meditation together. Let's really build a strong practice so that this part of you that's so mental or that your will is so developed that that the solar plexus, that part of you is like you are, you get stuff done, you're a manifestor and you think everything out. Well, then I'm pretty sure your heart space and your ground, your sense of grounding is going to be off, is totally blown out, you know. So, let's get you into meditation. Let's get you some grounding exercise. Have you walking in nature, let's have you, like those, those are sorts of things how we can become a whole woman in the workplace?
Madeline [00:45:26] So, Ryan, for our listeners who are not familiar with hypnotherapy and sort of having a view of hypnosis that's not modern, can you explain what it is and how it can help them?
[00:45:42] Well, the subconscious mind houses all our emotions and emotion you've ever had, all your memories you've ever had is stored in there and that hard drive and your imagination, so when you do hypnosis and hypnosis is not the only way to reprogram the subconscious mind. There are others. But I will speak to hypnotherapy. We will renegotiate what you're thinking and feeling and what your memories are in the past and how you're downloading those into your current life and you're hijacking the conscious mind. So, you might have your best intentions of how you want your life to look and feel like. And then all of a sudden you keep making the same choices over and over, like someone who bites their nails and they've decided I want to stop biting my nails. That's the conscious mind The subconscious mind, somewhere along the past, there was a moment of stress, of intensity, and they might have put their finger in their mouth and felt that click of the nail and then a feeling of peace and flooded them. So, the subconscious stores that memory in the subconscious. And so, next time a feeling of anxiety overrides them, and the subconscious mind downloads bite your nail, that's going to feel really good. And the next thing you know you're compulsively doing it. You've bitten off all your nails again. You're like, "why"? You know, "I said I wasn't going to do that." So that's just a small example of how something like that can show up and how it's again, the subconscious wants to make you feel good and wants to keep you safe, but it doesn't always have the handiest ideas. And we find that our conscious mind becomes a slave to the subconscious when it really should be the other way around. And so, in hypnosis we'll drop into this space. It's different from meditation in that there are several brainwave activities. So right now, there's Gamma, which is really fast. There's Beta, which is most people are at that space and time when they're talking. below. That is Alpha. And we dip into that throughout the day. And its sort of like you kind of space out or you're in trance or you're, we're in trance all the time. When we're driving it happens, when we're watching a movie, when we're reading a book, that sort of you're in that Alpha state and right below that is Theta. So that's that magic, magic state of when the subconscious is most receptive to new ideas. And then below that's Delta sleep. So, when you're in hypnosis, you drop into that state of Theta and that's where, you know, between us, we figure out a script together, what you want to be different and how it will be different using your language that resonates for you. Then we talk about that when you're in that state and it's usually like twenty minutes to a half an hour. And then that would be something that you would listen to over and over again to really impregnate the subconscious mind for this new way of being. And it's really effective. It's great for phobias and addictions and negative habitual thinking patterns and all sorts of things like that.
Madeline [00:48:36] So, for people who want to get involved and, you know, find a hypnotherapist, what would you recommend? And also, how can they find you?
Ryan Haddon [00:48:43] Oh, you can find me on Instagram mostly. That's my favorite spot these days. I'm @Ryanhaddoncoach and then also at my website, Ryanhaddon.com. But you know, there's so many amazing hypnotherapist out there. And again, it's not the only way to work with the subconscious mind. If you're thinking about your thoughts throughout the day and you're noticing those habitual patterning of thinking of like, I'm not enough, it's not...You can in very consciously move through replacing those thoughts. And also, when you go to sleep at night and you wake up in the morning, you're moving through those states from sleep, which is Delta, back into Theta, Alpha, Beta. And in those states, that will be the time to do affirmations, to say the things you want to bring into being and you want to be different, so you can work with your own subconscious mind in that way. And then there's many, many others. But I just wanted to put that out there.
Becca [00:49:47] We hope you enjoyed our interview with Ryan, you can connect with Ryan, learn more about her business and subscribe to her monthly newsletter at Ryanhaddon.com. You can also connect with Ryan on Instagram @Ryanhaddoncoach and read her contributions on Poosh.com. If you enjoyed our podcast hit, subscribe and leave us a review. Thank you always to our home team of friends and family for supporting us in our mission. This episode was produced and edited by Madeline and Becca. Thanks for tuning in. And remember, you are somebody.